you need some counselling or some anti-depressants or something.

I only ever had one counsellor that i liked.
I had one once that looked uncannily like my mum.
That was baaad.
We just sat there in silence for the whole hour. I couldn't speak to her. there was no way anything was going to come out of my mouth. I just sat and squirmed inside, ripping myself apart, for not only had it come to this, but when it did, i could say nothing.
She didn't say anything either.
It was counselling deadlock. I believe this kind of counselling has a name... but who gives a fuck what it's called.
But there was another woman who i really liked. She lived in a beautiful converted farmhouse and she saw people in a specially adapted part of the farm buildings. It was a lovely setting, there were kids things all over the courtyard at the entrance. She was a bit older than me but not too much. She asked me why i was crying on our final session.
She said, " Is it because you think we've done some good work here?"
I wouldn't have put it exactly like that, but i nodded.
The important bit was though, that she said to me, " Inside of everything you have told me, can you see, that actually, it's quite rich?"
And i could, i can. I know exactly what she meant, and although sometimes that is no comfort at all, in other times, that is exactly what i know, above anything else, that actually, this is quite rich.

So, whats been happening with you then?

I refer you to my post of 19th October 2008.
Two years and four months ago! Now i'm in that position that i mentioned. Looking back at that time and thinking, " okay.... was that really an uncanny prediction of the future or did i just somehow, in a really ridiculously roundabout way, make that stuff happen?'
Maybe you should decide? If i tell you the story then you can judge.

I'm still in my suburban house, but it definitely isn't as quiet.
The house is filled with music (five guitars at last count; a vinyl collection much bigger than my own). Conversations are a bizarre mix of ideas that fly around crashing into one another on a regular basis.
A daily routine of light and movement has established itself throughout the house.
It has been difficult and totally new to me and i am still taking time to readjust.
But you know what? This is the family that i sensed was coming on the 19th October 2008.

Dear Blog

I've been meaning to get in touch for some time.
I have to confess though, i'm finally getting round to it for purely selfish reasons.
Recently i have felt the dark cloud descending. I'm finding myself awake in the middle of the night turning things over relentlessly in my mind. I feel sluggish, negative and fearful of the future.
And then i realised what i needed to do was to talk to someone, and in a typical fashion i chose to talk to you. Because you won't talk back. We have history but we don't have issues. The Agenda is mine and mine only - you have no items to add.
Looking at you now makes me just want to relive our whole relationship, consume it whole , relish it for the ideals that it offers.
I'm going a bit over the top now i know, but you will never be scared by the force of my feelings.
I can rely on you.
You will always be there when i need you.
It's all about me.

P.S. Thank you to my three followers!
It means a lot, thanks for your comments.X