Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Dig this

There's a knock at the door.
"Flowers or something for you, love."
It's not flowers, not yet anyway.
It's a magnolia stellata that i ordered for myself on valentines day. It will be the second thing to flower in my new garden (after the crocus's).
I run some water into the sink (not too cold) and stand the pot there whilst i get my boots on. I'm going to plant it in the circular bed in front of the apple tree, but first i have to dig out all the clumps of grass that are in the bed, otherwise it just won't be right.
I love doing this. I love getting weeds out too. I love it when you have a patch of ground that needs clearing and you fork it over and pull out all those couch grass roots and green bits (with your fingers) so it's soil only. I love digging and breaking up great big lumps of clodding sods. I love the smell of soil and i love the way you can look back on your work and say, "I did that and it looks just how i wanted it to. Next year it will be beautiful, and for years after that if i look after it."

Friday, February 23, 2007

Scooters, vacation, fall

So, these are my symptoms at present. (that's what you want to know, isn't it?)
My memory and concentration have continued to get worse over the past few weeks. In November i felt out of it, but i needed to feel that. I needed to feel the opposite of that disproportionate amount of anxiety -which was verging on hypochondria and was full blown paranoia- to get through that time. But now: it's just massively inconvenient.
I can't remember more than one thing at once. So, if i've got three things to do upstairs, i'll go up, do one of them, come down and then remember the other two. Similarly when talking on the phone, i have a list of things i need to tell the person in question. I will tell them one thing and then consider myself done. Then i have to ring them back.
I've also got this weird kind of dyslexia. It's especially bad with numbers. I look at the number (time,date, amount, whatever) and when i look away from it, it's not that i've forgotten it, it's more that it's been replaced by some other bogus, random figure.
The reason i hate this, is that it is the polar opposite of my actual personality. I am not vague, inaccurate or inefficient. So, as the Doc pointed out, these are the symptoms of depression as well as the side-effects of anti-depressants. So i figure, to find out if i am depressed, i need to stop taking them. If the symptoms improve then i know that stopping is the right thing to do. If the symptoms continue i'm depressed and i'm fucked.
But on a more positive note. Two things: i've started dreaming again and i'm starving. [My mum would say, 'You're not starving. You don't know the meaning of the word.']
Ok, so i'm hungry. Really, really hungry. I'm hungry in between meals, i'm hungry before bed, i'm waking up before dawn feeling really, really hungry. But this is good, and i'm enjoying the dreams.
And finally- i had that thing again last night where i wake myself up running. This time it was a bit different. It was more like stopping myself from slipping down. It was more like scrabbling upwards (horizontally- if you know what i mean). And i'm still twitching, but it hasn't got any worse. So, there it is.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Twitching the night Away

I've had a slight twitch since January. I don't think anyone else can see it. It's just small muscular spasm, like the ones you get when you're just about to fall asleep. It only happens when i'm sitting or lying down. I asked the doctor if it's a side effect of the medication. She said it's more likely to be a side effect of the anxiety.
I haven't put my half a stone back on either.
Come on! Who's got my half a stone?? I need it back!
I also woke up running in the middle of the night last Sunday. I was peddling like mad. Like when you're at the bottom of a pool and you know you're running out of air.

Anyway, I'm finally going to London to see N and Dimitri. Back on Tuesday. Let you know if there's anything to report.