Thursday, August 30, 2007

Brian-top marks for not trying

Add 16. Brian to win and here's why:
1. His assertion that 'women don't do proper poos. They just do little rabbit poo's, don't they?' was the funniest thing i've seen on television in a long time.
2. For telling Amanda that 'there's nothing worse than women worrying about their weight when there was no need to', and managing to say this without coming across as patronising or pervy.
3. Because he genuinely is so unassuming that he can't even bear the thought of winning (when Kara-Louise suggested it he had to go and cry in the toilet).
4. For dancing at any opportunity especially to My Way (which was cringingly copied by Ziggy- who couldn't really join in because he needed to go to the bathroom to do his hair).
5. For asking the Universe and having his three wishes come true (thanks to Noel Edmunds).

And Carole's finally let her hair down! And she's wearing red! And she looks really nice!

Ahhhh. Another year goes by and my application languishes unfilled.....

Monday, August 20, 2007


It was a funny sort of day. The weather was unpredictable, but she had decided to make the trip anyhow. She was wearing a dark blue wind-cheater and a pair of stout galoshes. At the age of eighty -four she noted that it took her roughly 11 minutes longer to get round the lake than it had last year. The steps of the hide were also quite treacherous, especially as they were currently damp. She held onto the handrail and made her way carefully towards the wooden door where she paused, listening for sounds.
There were none.
Inside the hut her eyes had to adjust to the dark. The slightly damp indoors/outdoors smell was familiar and comforting. She put out her hand to where she knew the wooden catch would be and lifted the plank which made the viewing slat. It clipped into pace and she took her time, sitting first the wrong way around on the bench and then carefully lifting one leg at a time over it. The bench was covered in some old carpet but she needed to be careful nonetheless.
Her favourite part was taking out the binoculars that had been a birthday present fifteen long years before. They fitted into her hands so well, although she had to keep a handkerchief to wipe her eyes, as the combination of the breeze and the closeness of the eyepiece made her eyes water somewhat.
She had been watching quietly for about fifteen minutes when she heard footsteps on the wooden steps outside, accompanied by whispers.
"There's someone in there."
The latch lifted and a young woman entered behind a small boy who may have been about eight years old. They said hello, which was preferable to silence in such a small and intimate space. She noted that the woman's shoes were completely unsuitable: those very low but narrow heels which would sink straight into an inch of mud. She let them settle, noting that the woman watched for a while and then handed the binoculars to the boy, whispering, did he want to look? Every time she did so, he shook his head and pushed them back toward her in an odd reversal of the parent child roles.
"Can you see the Flycatcher up there in the willow to the left?"
The woman turned her binoculars in that direction, but it was obvious that she had not seen the bird, as her gaze remained unsettled.
"He's just between the branch that forks left and the next tree. Oh, I haven't seen a Flycatcher for many years. See how he swoops, there! Did you see him?"
But the woman seemed distracted.
The boy did not want to look and the woman got up to leave. The boy closed the slat and they left silently.

Monday, August 13, 2007

WANTED: Confidence at crucial moments.

i bumped into my Indian prince again yesterday. This time it was in the shop at the end of Hysteria Lane. I can't work out what it is about these encounters that really freak me out. It could be that he is so astoundingly beautiful. I couldn't even think of anything to say this time apart from, 'Hi, how are you?'
When am i going to grow up and turn into the kind of woman who seizes every opportunity to make herself fabulous and desirable no matter what her intentions toward the male in question?
I'm really annoying myself. At crucial moments i seem to become frozen, my personality drains away through my toes and i am consumed by a ridiculous level of self consciousness. I mean i can sit here now and say i am an intelligent attractive female who's friends enjoy my company, but i'm damned if i don't turn into some goofy 11 year old when i really need to pull it out of the bag.
I'm also past the age where this could come across as cute or endearing. I think it probably just comes across as disinterest or even worse-disdain.
I suffer similar symptoms at job interviews, in fact in many situations where it's absolutely imperative that i perform on the spot.
I suppose, what i really think is (deep down) that if anything is a genuine opportunity, that really could be important in your life, you'll get another shot (or two or three or four).
Am i right?

Wednesday, August 08, 2007


Went to see some live comedy on Saturday night. Now i'm the kind of obtuse person who finds the fact that someone is in front of me actively trying to make me laugh inherently not funny.
However, my sister likes live comedy so off we went. We arrived at the venue just in time to see that every single seat was taken except a nice table for two right in front of the stage which had clearly not been chosen due to it's proximity to the currently empty mic stand. After a short discussion about the likelyhood of being picked on by the comics, we weighed it up, and decided that standing up all the way through would be far more uncomfortable.
The compere lighted on us immediately.
"So, are you two 'together' then?"
Not that old chestnut: two girls together - must be lesbians!
We motioned back and forth between ourselves, "Sisters...."
"Ah, sisters, I see. So where are your fellas then?"
We looked at each other silently understanding that the truth was not an option- Well, she's married and i'm.....well ....SINGLE.
I love it when these kind of complex messages go back and forth between people and yet nothing is said. My sister instinctively knew that i would have no desire to announce my status to this guy (or indeed to the whole audience). I haven't got a boyfriend! Okay, everyone?? Just in case there are any spare drunks hanging around who need someone to talk to ....
Anyway, she said, "They're not with us tonight."
Suitably neutral answer. Not quite lying, not giving too much information away. There was something about the use of the words "with us" that i just couldn't resist adding,
"You know, passed over- gone to the other side...."
We both started laughing hysterically at the comic timing, i mean it just came out- the way it would if we were at home or something. I wasn't meaning to be a heckler- it just came out! The compere just looked at us laughing and i could see him weighing up whether we could possibly be joking about such a thing: should we genuinely have experienced a tragic double bereavement.
He was kind of covering up the awkwardness and doing these quiet, under the breath, nervous filling noises.
After an indeterminable length of time where he admitted "I don't know what to say to that," still thinking that he'd better watch what he said just in case it was true and we were either demented with grief or just really weird, he cracked a gag about us getting mixed up and thinking it was a seance. By this point we were hysterical with laughter, tears rolling down our faces: as were the rest of the audience.
After that he moved onto the table next to us.